singedsun

I've written before about using a lot more ASMR videos lately, both for sleep/relaxation and for writing. Both uses require different kinds of content (for me) and I've never been very interested in the aspects that are more like RP than relaxation. I think I'd also at one point a while back mentioned that I don't even typically like talking in the ASMR videos I watch/listen to. Mostly it's because I like the kind of quiet coffee shop type vibe that the non-talking videos create. It's recognizable background noise that doesn't have anything in it that's going to be distracting. If I'm watching, it's because I'm truly trying to shut off my mind and go to sleep, and there's a lot of very distinct hand movements that create that sleepy/feel good trigger in my brain.

That said there are a few I watch that have some speaking in them, mostly because I've found a few people that either a) create ASMR content I'll watch no matter what or b) have the right kind of whisper that is pleasant and not distracting. Through one of these (one of the kinds I'll watch no matter what) I found another channel that's really taking me back to a different kind of place.

There was a time in my senior year of high school (a very strict Christian high school) and long after my college graduation when I fell into a very goth/witchy/pagan kind of place. It was about connection and the earth and didn't feel fake like the religion I grew up with and was very nourishing to me in a way that I don't quite have words for. I still take a lot of that with me, years later and a part of me misses it though I know now that I'm not quite cut out for anything that requires commitment in the way most religions do. But I say that to say this, the sort of spiritual connection that comes from treating the Earth well and utilizing your own mind/energy/focus to deal with the people, places and things around you, still resonates with me. I don't think that's a good explanation either, but maybe someone understands where I'm coming from.

ANYWAY. To go back to my first point, I've found a channel that's kind of connecting these two things for me through one of the ASMR channels I watch all the time. Her channel is Lune Innate and she does like Reiki energy work by proxy through this kind of ASMR lens where everything is slow and measured and quiet. And it's like fucking catnip for me. I just want to watch it all the time and learn about the things she believes in, not because I necessarily believe or agree but because it just sounds so gosh darn wonderful. IT's a really hippy journey through her channel, so if you're not down for any of what I just mentioned, don't bother. But if you are and you don't really like ASMR or haven't tried it? Maybe check her out. I love it, it's peaceful and purposeful and feels like such a lovely experience each time.

While I feel like my health struggles are just constantly demoralizing, her uploads are a small, shining, wonderful part of my week. And well worth the 30-50 minutes of my time.

I need someone to travel into the future and report back on what the aliens have to say about Marno's ASMR channel because this is some kind of beautiful, absurdist performance art bullshit that despite being full of the kind of ASMR triggers I don't like, I'm very in to. I just watched a full forty minute video not because it did anything for me but because it's just FASCINATING. The point of this video specifically is to be unpredictable, but this dude takes it to a whole new level. He starts to read what looks like Harry Potter, but is a few lines of something that sounds like 50 Shades. He pours empty glasses over his mic to looped sounds of tapping, like he's pouring the sound on the microphone. He brushes the mic at one point and does some snipping from small hair clippers to one side but starts doing something like a dental exam rp. That one actually made me laugh. This dude is underappreciated for sure.

He's also the perfect kind of thing I needed to watch tonight. I've had a rough couple of days at work both last week and this week and I'm feeling like overly sensitive about a lot of it. Sensitive and stressed, just in the last few weeks even before this announcement was made, I think we've all been feeling the tension of something bigger on the horizon. I think in part it's what's made me really lean on writing and ASMR as emotional stress release more often recently.

My team's manager is leaving her current position in what's essentially a lateral move to a brand new role that is newly created and they've posted the position for her replacement. We were told this in a surprise meeting without any real warning and as a Team Lead who really would like to move into a manager role (something that shouldn't be a surprise to my manager or my director) I really hoped that if they wanted me for the role they would've asked me already. While I did tell both of them even after this that I would be interested in the manager role and that I know I'm capable of taking it on, I think I've decided I'm not going to actually apply for it?

I had every intention of applying until today when just the thought of it started to make me just feel bad. I'm not sure why but I've started to think it's not really the right move for me and like sticking to my current position and waiting for one of the analyst roles they want to fill comes open later this year. I feel like applying for a manager role in a group where you've been team lead for almost two years should lead to an enthusiastic bid for the manager role. I feel like if they ask why I didn't reply I should just answer in song 🎵 "I want you to want me, I need you to need me" 🎵

Maybe I'll be missing out by not applying, but I really feel like it's the right decision for me. Just thinking about it this afternoon made me want to cry and I'm pretty sure that's not the right reaction to a job I wanted to be excited about. Giving myself the freedom to just say no and know that if I don't like who they do decide to hire as the manager I could just leave... made me feel sad, but better about it all. Like I do have more experience now, I've been working as a team lead for two years so if I had to start over somewhere else, I'd be able to look a little higher up than I have before whether its a new role at this place or something different somewhere else.

About a month ago I went to the doctor for a nerve issue in my upper back and shoulders. I constantly felt like I was standing with my back to an open window, a cold just settling between my shoulders all the time. Having fibro makes me pretty sensitive to new weird potentially nerve related things, and in 2017 a bout of pancreatitis brought on by gallstones was preceded by about two months of shoulder pain. I ended up having my gallbladder out when that happened, so I knew that was unlikely to be the issue unless I was having another round of pancreatitis, which would've been an indicator of something far worse.

The doctor wasn't sure what to make of it but agreed it was likely a pinched nerve or something and prescribed me a z-pac of steroids to see if that would loosen things up and take care of the problem. Thankfully, after a few days and a really thorough back massage by the masseuse that comes into our office once every other week, it seemed to do the trick.

Unfortunately the side effects to a heavy dose of steroids I'm not used to has meant about a month of bad insomnia and getting my period two weeks early (and then it lasted the rest of the month). My body seems to be settling back into order but getting my sleep normal again is a hassle. It's not good in a normal month where my fibromyalgia pain and fatigue is pretty under control.

I've started to lean pretty heavily on pre-bed rituals, like writing and listening to ASMR videos instead of music to help get my head in the right space. Writing before bed can sometimes fight back in a few ways; I stay up too late with a good idea, I feel more awake once I get through the words I wanted to write, or I finish one thing and get hit with ideas for the next one. It's been worse in the past when I'm listening to music, so switching over to having ASMR videos playing in the background has been helpful. I'm strictly of the simple no talking, no roleplaying, dry sounds only kind of ASMR. I need it to sound a little like white noise without actually using white noise.

Are there any other ASMR fans out there?

I know it can be different for everyone like I absolutely can't do wet sounds or talking or anything like that. If it doesn't sound like scratching or soft tapping, I can't do it. But I have discovered that if I really need to focus on sleep that the videos with really distinct hand motions in them also help. I've also realized I'm very partial to videos where there's a single mic, not the ears or the head or whatever else the mics can be built into. ASMR Bakery on YouTube has become my go to for that kind of stuff. But I've started to build a playlist on YouTube of stuff that works for me.

i am rusty when i talk, it is the storm in me

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